Sh*t Happens
A Tale of Wetsuit Woes While Scuba Diving
Today, I’ve got a tale of epic proportions to share with you, and trust me, it’s one that’ll leave you gasping for air — both from laughter and, well, the circumstances. Before you read on, I understand that this story may be TMI (too much information) for some of you — you’ve been warned. Writing these stories is really just a way for me to remember ‘the good, the bad, and the ugly’ of life. I doubt that I’ll forget this one in a hurry though.
Picture this: a sunny day back in 2005, crystal-clear waters off the South coast of Kenting (Taiwan), and me, rookie scuba diver, eagerly plunging into the deep blue for an unforgettable dive. Little did I know that this particular dive would etch itself into my memory in ways I could never have imagined!
It all started innocently enough. I was amped up and ready to explore the wonders beneath the surface. But let me tell you, never have I regretted eating a hearty breakfast more than on that fateful day. You see, I have a talent — a gift, some might say — for inhaling my food at the speed of light. Naturally, I indulged in a massive meal before the dive, blissfully unaware of the adventure that awaited me below.
As I descended into the depths, surrounded by the awe-inspiring marine life, my belly decided it was time for a digestive symphony. A bubbly overture began, but I brushed it off, thinking it would pass. Oh, how wrong I was! My underwater orchestra was just getting started.
In a moment of hilarious realization, it dawned on me that my trusty wetsuit was not only meant for warmth but had also unwittingly become a makeshift storage for my breakfast leftovers. “Why?” I screamed inwardly, “Of all places, why did it have to be here?”
But, dear readers, what can one do in such a situation? When you’re 100 feet underwater (approximately 10-story building), there are no restrooms to excuse yourself to. You can’t pull over at some imaginary underwater gas station for a pit stop. Oh no, there was only one option — to endure the watery consequences of my voracious appetite.
As the dive continued, my fellow divers were oblivious to the private horror show taking place inside my wetsuit. The struggle was real, my friends! I attempted to concentrate on the mesmerizing beauty around me, but the situation was as unavoidable as a bad punchline.
The deeper we went, the more the water compressed the wetsuit. I’m sure you can imagine where this is going. If you were thinking right up my back and down my legs, you’d be correct!
Amidst the mesmerizing coral formations and majestic sea creatures, I found myself rehearsing an internal monologue of absurdity, a running commentary that would have put any comedian to shame. It was as if I was swimming through my very own stand-up routine, with only the marine life to serve as my audience.
Time seemed to crawl, and every minute felt like an hour. I yearned for the surface, where I could finally part ways with my unfortunate underwater souvenir. Alas, the universe seemed to find immense pleasure in extending my discomfort, making the ascent feel like an eternity.
As I finally broke the surface and freed myself from the confines of my wetsuit, I could not help but laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. My fellow divers, unaware of my aquatic adventure, were puzzled by my uncontrollable giggles. And so, my friends, this is the story of how I managed to sh*t in my wetsuit while scuba diving.
In conclusion, let this be a lesson to all aspiring scuba divers and speedy eaters out there: take heed, for the underwater world can be full of surprises — some of them less pleasant than others. And if you ever find yourself in a similar predicament, just remember, laughter is the best way to handle life’s unexpected and awkward moments. After all, even in the deepest ocean depths, sh*t happens, and sometimes it’s funnier than you could ever imagine! Keep smiling, keep diving, and keep embracing the hilarity that life throws your way!
